Managing the expectations when you're 'the only' and what I've learned about finding little bits of joy
Every day I find a little bit of joy at work and it keeps me going. I finally have my dream career in Inclusion and Diversity, after doing it alongside my day job for many years. I took a giant leap last year to change my career after four years of grafting and lots of disheartening moments. The rewards now mean so much more than anything else I've achieved in my career previously. These little wins are big wins. I consistently remind myself of these joyous moments because it's a long journey and there will still be some tough and uncomfortable times ahead, but it helps me manage my own expectations of myself.
I still struggle with being the only Black, dyslexic woman in the room. Simply managing the weight of expectations that come with this, while still ensuring I'm delivering my best each day. Sometimes the pressure of being a role model for the next generation of Black talent is overwhelming, especially as I'm not a monolith of Blackness which others often forget. I am also managing with this alongside the narrative I was told growing up that “we need to work twice as hard because we're Black”. It means I often overthink even the simplest decisions and struggle with anxiety when I’m not part of the majority in the room.
When I look back at my career progression moments, the real elephant in the room has been about managing being 'the only' combined with others 'desired' career ambitions for me. I must progress in a certain way because people are excited that they have representation. I've found I've been pushed in directions that, even though I’m capable, isn't the right direction for me, and it's not always been for my benefit. This doesn't mean that I’m not ambitious. I love a challenge, putting myself in new situations, and learning new things. However, the consistent need to achieve means I feel like I’m on an exhausting never-ending hamster wheel. I feel I always need to prove myself, and others always expect me to develop at a rate that is sometimes at odds with my ambitions, which leaves me sometimes feeling like I have failed in some way.
The impact of this on my own mental health has been huge.
It's hard to manage. It feels even harder because our Black community does not openly talk about mental health challenges enough. It's been a journey for me to seek out even more moments of joy to re-adjust my own equilibrium. As with all of us, the road to healing, through working out all of the above and finding your own path is possible – with ongoing development and acceptance. The things that I found joy in pre-pandemic – travel and exercise – changed over the last few years, and I found that I needed additional support from family and friends. I've embraced being a mentee and the empathy I’ve been shown, as well as being a mentor allowing me to give back has enabled me to find joy in others' progress.
Over the last few years, I have also realised that it is even more important for me not just to talk and explore 'joy' but also whole heartily embrace the relevance and importance of Black Joy as part of my identity at work. It's been a continual journey of trying to find ways I can bring this into my every day at work. It's not talked about enough within the workplace and society, which can be draining.
I've found absolute JOY in being part of the Bloom in Colour and MEFA family inclusion groups, and although they are not exclusively for Black people, both of these spaces are liberating and safe. I've felt and learned what it means to be part of a collective of voices more akin to your own, the power of community and how impactful this had on my well-being and mental health.
I’m a work in progress – it’s still hard and I don’t have it all nailed! But that’s OK. Using my community and networks, getting support in multiple ways, and embracing rest are some of the ways that have enabled me to have greater resilience when being the ‘only one’ Recognising the importance of these things has helped to protect my mental health and enabling me to continue to drive for action in all that I do in work and life
Written by : Ally Tyger-Doyle
Manager of Inclusion & Diversity, EMEA @MiQ, BRiM Advisory Board Member , Bloom Member & Mentor & 2021 Head of The Exchange and MEFA Member